The Beat Review wants to keep its readership healthy, so we have devised this gig guide to help you survive all the dangers that you might face. From plain embarrassment, to fatal wounds, sexually transmitted disease, a brain explosion (because of the atrocity on stage) or to just avoid getting a good kicking by rival fans .
It does not matter what the genre maybe or where the venue is, they all have one thing in common, a toilet not worth crapping in! So we are proud to present the first gig guide for all you live music junkies, Reluctantly named ‘A guide to Chucking one down in a venue toilet’.
Step 1 – Survey the situation, make sure you have some kind of toilet seat, a chain or handle to flush and primarily toilet paper. If any of these are not available just use the sink! – (that will teach them not to provide the basics). I can not reiterate the need for toilet paper! I remember spending a good hour passing Rizla papers individually to an infamous star of the Brit-pop era, to wipe what he could from his sore rusty sheriffs badge – this was not a joyous experience!!!
Step 2 – Immediately remove the exposed layer of the Toilet paper, it has been open to the elements. Place this liberated bound of crab filled mesh on the flusher and push/pull. This not only prevents you touching the flusher but allows you to eradicate what otherwise your exposed bum would be hovering over. (This is always necessary! Even if the Water looks clear it is not! Rumour has it that a member of Uria Heap got Malaria from ‘venue bog water!’ You have been warned! ).
Step 3 – Dependent on the size of your rear, cover the seat swathed in years of poorly aimed defecation from the back end of the most unhygienic individuals in Society. Then fold another sheath of the own-brand sand paper the land lord expects you to wipe yourself with and place on top of the water at the base of the pan. This has many benefits. Primarily to stop splash back from the recycled urinal water and secondly if you’re a shy pooper this will cushion the sound so your friends (outside of myspace) will not know that you have chucked one down, leading to the inevitable Facebook tagging of thousands of Mobile phone pictures of you embarrassingly trying to squeeze one out mid-hover.
Step 4 – Relax, do your thang, and read the millions of Blow Job Messages and Band stickers.
Step 5 – Flushing is optional, your work here is done! Why risk touching the flusher again? Get the hell out of their before you catch ECOLI, Bird Flu or Leprosy and next time do the right thing, chuck one down at home before you go out! – Dirty Boy!