They’re dreadful and we know it, but they’re our guilty pleasure. You can judge me all you want, but sometimes, all I want is to eat crap food and watch crap TV. This weekend, I chain-watched Hollyoaks in a desperate bid to remind myself however bad my life gets, it will never be as grim as theirs (and because I was hung over). And they have taught me many things about life, love and, you know, how to react if I find out if my mum turns out to be my sister. Which is BADLY. This is what I have learnt about real life in soaps.
Nobody EVER poos. Except when they eat a dodgy kebab. I mean, their digestive system must be bad if they’re that blocked up.
If you brawl, you must brawl on the street. In full view of everyone, who is incidentally, out there too. And your worst enemy must always be there to see you for maximum levels of damage to your already shattered reputation.
There can NEVER be a perfect wedding. But they will overcome that hiccup (most of the time).
There is a maximum of three pubs that anyone goes to, where everyone knows everyone. You only go to another pub to meet your secret lover. Not even to avoid anyone. Just your secret lover.
Any problem can be solved by offering to make a ‘nice cuppa tea’. Though, of course, we all know that’s true.
Any Northern soap must have at least one utterance of ‘come ‘ere’, resulting in a hug. It’s literally impossible for this not to happen.
Even seemingly ‘skint’ characters will never wear the same outfit twice. Amazing.
Every year, there is at least one ‘Who shot Mr Burns?’ saga. That goes on for way too long. And makes you wish they’d shot you by the time the rest of the village or street find out.
Even if a family have grown up together in the same house, it is not without the realms of possibility for there to be a child with a northern accent and a child with a Southern accent. Amazing.
And finally, something I learnt about soaps’ viewers.
Every time the title sequences change, the viewers will be outraged for approximately 3 weeks. After which they will forget what they were like before. Until the next time they change again.